EX'S & OH'S

I was out & about yesterday doing my usual Sunday-afternoon grocery shopping & had just grabbed a number for the deli line when I saw him in front of me...at first, I didn't think it was him for sure, but then he turned sideways for a split second & I saw that not only was it definitely him, but he had a toddler in the shopping cart he was pushing! I absolutely panicked...my first instinct was to just turn & quickly walk away, possibly even out of the store altogether & just head straight home. But instead of running, I completely froze. I couldn't even move an inch, or take my eyes off of him even though I feared he would literally feel me staring a hole through his back & turn around. So I just stood there & held my breath...he was next in line to order. When he stepped forward I turned my head & pretended to look at something else just so he wouldn't possibly see my face. When he started to walk away & it was my turn to order at the deli, I ran up as fast as I could to the counter, looked down & just pointed to what I wanted...I couldn't risk him hearing my voice since he was still within earshot. Then he finally disappeared into the sea of people with his little girl in his shopping cart.

I am talking about a run-in I had with my ex-boyfriend for the first time in over 5 years. Obviously things ended badly between us, which is why we haven't had any contact at all for so long. But what's more than that is how deep our relationship went before it went wrong. Not only did we date for 3 full years, but we went through SO much together. We went through his diagnosis with Bi-Polar Disorder together. We went through hardships with his mom being admitted numerous times to the psych ward for overdosing on pills together. We got through high school together. What's even more than that, we shared a child together. And we gave her up for adoption together. So you can't really even fathom the millions of thoughts & emotions that ran through me when I saw him standing there...with his daughter.

Well I had avoided him through most of my shopping & was almost to the checkout line, when we passed each other & he whirled around & called out my name. Again I froze. He came back to where I was standing still & cheerfully said "Hey stranger...long time no see"...like we were long-lost buddies. It made me sick to my stomach. When I finally turned to face him, I couldn't stop staring at the little girl in his shopping cart. I braved it & made small talk...except he did most of the talking. He congratulated me on my marriage & asked about the wedding...turns out he works with my father-in-law at a steel mill only miles from my house. That made my stomach do flip-flops. He asked about my father-in-law & how he's been recovering since his heart attack. He asked about my family members by name. Then we got to talking about how other used-to-be-mutual friends were doing & got onto the subject of children. He told me his daughter's name is Leighaden, which was a name the two of us initially picked out as a potential name for the baby girl we gave up when I was 17. That hurt & I let it show through my words, which is a defense mechanism I am trying to correct. Then before the conversation came to an end, he stopped & said, "You know, not all guys who have done bad things turn out to be bad dads."

As I drove home I thought about the things he had said, & even the way he called out my name like we were old pals. And I realized that people change. Life changes us. We grow up & we are sometimes so different from how we were years ago. Sometimes hardly even the same person at all. I have a bad tendency to hold grudges against people who I feel have wronged me...sometimes for years I harbor this hatred & disdain for them, as I did for him. But when I was reflecting on how upbeat he had sounded & how interested he seemed in my life & how truly happy he sounded when he offered his congratulations on my wedding to the man who had practically stolen my heart away from him, & how caring & gentle he was with his daughter, I realized that he hadn't been the least bit concerned about hating me or avoiding me at all. All this time I had spent being angry & hateful & trying to avoid him everywhere I went...& he had been free from all of that for this entire time. Not only did he not try to avoid me, but he actually embraced the opportunity to run into me & talk to me. It made me open my eyes & see that I don't have to forget...I'll never be able to forget the things that we went through in our relationship, but I really need to learn how to forgive because the people who hurt me in the past are not always the same people they used to be.

SPRING HAS SPRUNG

I absolutely LOVE springtime! Except for the part where it makes my sinuses go crazy with what must be allergies of some sort...I have an appointment with an allergist on Tuesday to confirm this. But other than that, everything about spring is so wonderful! There is just a certain "freshness" about everything...all the new vegitation, fresh clean rainfalls, light breezes, all of the smells & sounds, I just can't get enough!

To "celebrate" spring, of course, I do some spring cleaning to get ready for all of the windows to be opened wide, people to come over for cookouts & game nights, etc. But this year I'm going to do something fun & special. This year I'm going to re-paint the house! We just got a gift card in the mail a few days ago as a (very belated!!) wedding gift, which I used to purchase a new area rug for our kitchen. For those of you who have never seen my home before, it was originally decked out as my husband's bachelor pad. The kitchen was the worst...covered in posters & license plates & model trucks & cars, not to mention the black & white checkered ceiling, countertops & cabinets! It was a complete nightmare when I moved in! Slowly but surely, I've been removing all traces of the checkers & cars, but the final items were 2 HIDEOUS cobalt blue rugs with black "Chevrolet" bowtie logos in the middles. These were actually given to my husband by his boss when he worked for a local car dealership...in other words, they were dirt mats, NOT area rugs for a residential kitchen!! So, suffice it to say that I am VERY pleased with my new rugs that took their place just a couple of days ago!!

Now the goal is to paint the entire kitchen to match the new decor of the rugs. Then, we are excited to FINALLY be purchasing a REAL BED! We've been using the fold-out couch bed which has been causing many sleepless nights & backaches. So we are happy to be able to finally have a real bedframe with real, comfortable mattresses! This means we need new bedding, which means I will want to paint the bedroom/living room to match our new bedding. And I'm hoping to finish all of this within the next couple of weeks before my big candle party on Good Friday (April 10th). So wish me luck & happy painting!! ( :

BAD DAY

It's been a pretty bad, discouraging, stressful day for me today.

We found out yesterday that my little car is going to cost nearly $1,000 to get it fixed in order for it to pass inspection. I need a dealer-only part of course, plus an 02 sensor, plus 4 new tires, plus an oil change. Great. I had to drive my husband's truck to work today which meant he literally had to walk to work...it's only 6 blocks or so, but it was still pretty cold out this morning & it made me feel really bad for letting him do it. Not to mention he's been so sick lately, the little bit of a walk to work probably sapped all of his energy for the entire day. He's still living on toast. Last night he managed to eat a steak sandwich from Subway, but then was up most of the night with heartburn & sleeping propped up on the couch for the little while he actually was able to sleep.

My husband had his colonoscopy on Monday & the doctors were still not able to find anything helpful. A small polyp that was benign & easily removed, some spasming & inflammation in his colon, nothing out of the ordinary for someone who's been diagnosed with IBS since they were 10 years old. So on to the next test. Tomorrow morning he undergoes the oh-so-pleasant "gastric emptying" procedure where the doctors literally watch his digestive system process food. If this does us no good then he will have a CT scan of his small intestine probably sometime next week. We are still waiting for half a dozen blood tests & biopsies to come back with some results, hopefully soon. It's just been such a long waiting game & gets scarier by the day. Every pound he loses, every time he falls asleep at 6:00 in the evening, every test that comes back inconclusive, every result we wait days & days for. Too many questions & not enough answers.

The combination of my husband's failing health & all of the unanswered questions that surround it added in with the cost of my car that we can't afford to cover is just too much for one day. I've been sitting at work all day with knots in my stomach over how I'm going to pay for my car, what the tests are going to reveal tomorrow, what kind of mood my sick, irritable husband is going to be in when I get home. And it doesn't help that work has been so slow lately. Another worry to add to the heap I guess...how much longer will I have my job if business doesn't start to pick up? I am technically the "newest" member of the staff here & there are applications flooding our mailboxes for positions here since seemingly everyone else in this entire industry has been laid-off. All of these talented designers with years of experience under their belts & they are basically trying to steal my job. It's a very unsettling feeling to live day in & day out with no sense of job security. On top of basically living paycheck to paycheck. On top of having a husband who's getting sicker by the day, who's having to shell out hundreds of dollars we don't have for medications that are barely alleviating his symptoms.

Yeah, it's been a pretty bad, discouraging, stressful day today.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better...